Age gap relationships
Is it okay to date someone older or younger than you?
Are age gap relationships okay? When does an age gap become a problem?
It all depends on the people involved, how old you are, and how big the age gap is.
And once you’re an adult, other people don’t really get to tell you who you can and can’t date.
So instead, here are some different situations, some general guidance, and some things to consider when you’re making your mind up about someone.
I’m interested in someone who’s a year or two younger or older than me – is that ok?
A year or two isn’t usually a big deal to most people, though the younger you are the bigger a difference it makes. Think about the difference between being 11 and 13, versus the difference between being 23 and 25. The younger you are, the more you change and grow in a year.
Whatever the age, the older partner should take some extra care. Let the younger partner set the pace, and never push them into anything they’re not ready for. Think how much you’ve grown and changed in the last year or two, and remember they haven’t had the time to do that yet.
Don’t forget: if they’re under 16 they can’t legally consent to sex.
What about bigger age gaps?
There are times when people with a bigger age gap can date and most people would agree it’s okay. But this is usually when both people are older, and they’re in the same stage in their life.
The difference between a 45 year old and a 50 year old is so small they probably don’t even notice they aren’t the same age. Their lives probably look very similar.
The difference between a 15 year old and a 20 year old is much bigger. No matter how mature you are for your age at 15, your life is likely very different from a 20 year old’s. You change a lot in those five years.
Think of someone five years younger than you – would you want to go out with them, even if they were really mature and amazing?
Things to consider:
If someone older than you is interested in you, ask yourself some questions:
- If they’re so great, why aren’t they with someone their own age?
- Do they always date younger people? Why might they do that?
- What would a 30 year old want to talk to a 20 year old about? What do you really have in common?
- Maybe you’re really mature for your age, but what about them? If they want to hang out with teenagers what does that say about their maturity?
- If you wanted to manipulate someone younger into going out with you, what kind of things would you say? Do they sound like the things this person is saying?
Watch out for creep tactics!
Some people make a habit of dating younger people, especially younger people they see as being easier to take advantage of because of their disabilities or neurodivergence.
They know people their own age won’t put up with their behaviour. People like this are likely to be bad partners, or even abusive. Be on the look out for them, and be prepared for their tactics.
Are they saying things like:
🚩 “You’re so mature for your age”
🚩 “I don’t normally go for people your age but you’re special”
🚩 “I’ve never felt like this before”
🚩 Are they pressuring you for sex acts or nudes that you aren’t ready for?
🚩 Are they “love-bombing” you – flattering you, giving you over-the-top gifts, pushing the relationship to be very intense very quickly?
🚩 Do they want you to keep the relationship secret, just between the two of you?
Don’t let them manipulate you. Tell a trusted adult what’s going on, especially if they’re being pushy and making you uncomfortable.
